I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
