This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
