I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
