She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
