i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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