i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He better not be in your backpack
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
