just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
