Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Randomize
