I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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