worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
