No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
