I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
