My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
