I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
