There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
