So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
