Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
