Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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