I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
