I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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