Heybabeimwearingurpanties
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Can I color on your dick again?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
