When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
