You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
