Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
