ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
