dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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