I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
