When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
