If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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