You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
