i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
my liver is dry heaving
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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