Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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