I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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