our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
