theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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