if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
