I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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