theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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