So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
