I wanna bring you to show and tell
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
