It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
