I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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