Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
