where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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