I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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