If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
