I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
