no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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