are you so shy because you have an std?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
