Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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