New invention idea: vibrating tampons
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
