somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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