You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
