i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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