I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
